It has been a challenging month. I’m struggling. I’m struggling with myself. Struggling with being disappointed with where I am with my progress and the direction that I’ve been going, and the lack of rebound from the poor decisions that I’ve been making.
Does anyone else ever do this? You wake up and immediately recount the day before – workout, what you ate, how much water, etc., within the first few seconds of getting out of bed? These seconds then set the tone for the entire day.
I feel like I do this to myself. No not feel. I mean, the reality is, I do this to myself. I look in the mirror every day and the decisions I made the day or days before, and my reflection will either smile back at me and make me proud, or it will glare at me and make me want to crawl back into bed. Lately, it has been a lot of the latter.
So, it’s time for some real talk.
I am weak. I am, and I have always known this. You look at my Instagram or you read my words, and it appears as though all systems are a go in my journey. I assure you, this isn’t the case. My feed is not my reality. I cheat – All. The. Time. Do I share pics of the extra glasses of wine that I have, or the meals when I overindulge? When I don’t hold the bread/dressing/cheese? No, I don’t. Yet you’ll always see the perfectly-posed good decisions that I’ve made.
If I hadn’t already told you, would you know that I am a person who carries 80+ extra pounds of weight by looking at my feed? Of course you wouldn’t. Why would you? I have yet to actually share ME. What I look like. The weight that I’m carrying. I leave it all up to interpretation based on the pictures that I share. I have been hiding behind the filtered, posed, square images, which are only a portion of the reality that I’m living.
Here I sit. Talking about how I want to share a journey and all I’ve shared with you are my positive days in the midst of negative days. I’ve shared only the up of the yoyo, but not the down. And there has been a whole lotta YOLO that hasn’t been shared to the fullest extent. Hell, I have two Instagram accounts! Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of sharing myself at all? My goal for starting YOLO? My battle cry for a better me? What makes me relatable or different than anyone else? Who would want to share a weight-loss journey or follow a weight-loss journey with someone who from all appearances looks like they have it all under control? Then you see me in person and are completely confused at the person who stands in front of you.
I’ve lost the heart in what I’m trying to accomplish here. I talk about balance, but clearly mine is disproportioned. I’ve talked about knowing what works, but clearly, I’m not using my knowledge, and I’ve gone back to leaning on excuses. I’ve tried to make myself feel good by sharing the good choices that I’ve made. The reality being that most days, I don’t make good choices. Which has lead me to this.
My whole point of this rant is that it’s time for me to start sharing the whole truth. With you and with myself. As promised from Blog 1 – From here on out, I promise that you’re going to get me. The good days, the bad days, and the ugly and glorious truth. Some days you might love me and some days you might hate me, some days (or most days!) you really might not care, but how can you relate to me and how can we support one another if I’m not giving you 100% of what’s happening? It’s all about accountability at the end of the day. And it’s time for me to start taking some. What good is it sharing the ideal when every day needs to be a reminder and is potentially a struggle to get there?
So let’s do this. Let’s start this on the right foot this time. Let’s get through this together.